Interviewing Walkers: RV Walker from AMC’s The Walking Dead: Season 2

The following is a transcript taken from a recorded interview former Revenant Media correspondent conducted with the RV Walker from AMC’s The Walking Dead. His name has been withheld until family can be notified.
The cassette arrived in a non-descriptive manila envelope. The address was written with shaky chicken-scratch hand writing. No return address was included.
Upon further inspection, the blood smeared cassette was wrapped in a wadded up piece of paper, SEND MORE INTERVIEWERS written in blood on said paper.
Hello fellow Zombie addicts! My name is ************ and I’m lucky enough to be sitting down with … well … uhm … What should we call you?


Oh. May I just call you the RV Walker?


Alright! Can you tell us what it was like filming with Laurie Holden, who plays Andrea on The Walking Dead?

Rrrghrrr aawwhhghh ghrrrrr.

Interesting. Had the producers suggested you use a stunt double for the attack scene?


I see. Is that why you still have a screwdriver sticking out of you eye socket.

*sounds of chair thwacking against floor *

Eeeegghhhhrw wwheeeeee ARGH!

*interviewer laugh* Yes, I can see why you’d want to do your own stunts with Ms Holden.

Rawr. Mrh.

Indeed she is! Moving on though, let’s touch on that massive herd of walkers you were with.

Urgh argh rrrhgh.

Oh really? So you all had been traveling for a long time?


From Atlanta, you say?

Hurhhhhhh. Mrh.

Oh! Near Atlanta. Well it was a pretty large group of Walkers. I could have only assumed they’d congregated from all over that part of the state.


The group was pretty sneaky. Hiding under the vehicles and keeping quiet.

Mrh. Raagrh.

Well, yeah. I suppose they would. It was 100+ degrees in the shade that day.

Aaarrgghhh. Mrhhh.

That’s what I was thinking! So you did smell a few of the survivors? Is that why you decided to check out the RV?

Awwgrhhhh. Mrh. Mrrgghhhhh.

Yeah. I bet a scared woman does have a certain … uhm …. quality to her. What would you have done with Andera if she hadn’t stabbed you with a screw driver?


Wait? Are you telling me that you really do eat people?


Oh. Well I think that’s about all the time ….

*sounds of shuffling feet across the floor*

Hold on! What are you doing?

*Sound of chairs scraping across the floor*

What’s going on?


Wait. WAIT! NO!

*Screams are drown out by the sounds of flesh ripping and bones crunching*

*Tape clicks off*